That’s me. I love retro. I love searching through dusty, smelly old bags in a dusty, smelly old shop in some run down part of East London. Yeah, I really do love that. Last week I managed to pick up four bobbled hats for less than the price of a four new ones, not to mention the lice that came free…at least I look cool in my tight denims, holey converse and checked shirt, and as long as I keep my woolly on, no one will be any the wiser about the fiendish little devils living in my hair.

Here’s our handy little guide to turning yourself from a rather dappa, All Saints wearing chap into an uber-coo,l trendsetting vintage-being.

First things first check your parent’s wardrobe, the older they are the better. I hear Zoot Suits are all the rage down London Town at the moment, so if your dad’s been a lazing about in his high-waisted, wide-legged, tight-cuffed pegged trousers (aka tramas) and a long coat (or the carlango) with wide lapels and wide padded shoulders, then you best find a way into his cupboard. What’s that? Mummy’s been visiting the chemist in a frilly flowery chemise? That’s shirt to you anglophiles, get it on, mix and match is the way.

Right you are dressed, the next stage is to throw on a little eau de dust, you can find this on any building site, however if your looking for a more authentic smell just pop into the nearest old people’s home and brush against their flaky skin, it does wonders with the vintage chicks.

The next step is transport; don’t get on the tube or buses. No sir, I suggested an old bicycle. If you are feeling flush why not cough up five hundred quid for a Raleigh Chopper or not so flush, get down the local market and buy a 100% stolen bike off whoever looks el dodgiest.

You’re almost there; you look great, smell fantastic and have a mode of transport. The final part, the piece de resistance is hanging out. Find a haunt that suits your new look style and find a drink that suits your haunt. Chances are that you blew all your cash on the bike so you may have to settle for a warm £2 Carling, don’t worry though, back in the day they didn’t sell vodka and cranberry or weissbeer, you’ll take what you can afford and that’s final.