I've got Wacko's glove.

I'll trade it for a special souvenier ticket.

yelp!

Like when it snows, we can't cope when something different is thrown in our face. Here's some stuff I saw today. 

1. Everybody was walking..in the drizzle...in June

2. The fights. A mass of people at the bustop and one space on the bus....Everyone pushes so much that businessman is stuck with his face squashed against the window. 

3. Old Lady standing at Bus Stop says "Is there a  problem with the tube?"

4. Half of London actually stayed at home, excuses like..."there's no way I'm walking 6 miles"...."I'm Claustrophobic (but get the tube every day)"...

5. Man, banging on the window of the bus, screaming abusively at the bus driver to let him in, man stacks, drops briefcase and slumps dejectedly to the floor.

I'm looking forward to the journey home and also to tomorrow! 

Like when it snows, we can't cope when something different is thrown in our face. Here's some stuff I saw today. 

1. Everybody was walking..in the drizzle...in June

2. The fights. A mass of people at the bustop and one space on the bus....Everyone pushes so much that businessman is stuck with his face squashed against the window. 

3. Old Lady standing at Bus Stop says "Is there a  problem with the tube?"

4. Half of London actually stayed at home, excuses like..."there's no way I'm walking 6 miles"...."I'm Claustrophobic (but get the tube every day)"...

5. Man, banging on the window of the bus, screaming abusively at the bus driver to let him in, man stacks, drops briefcase and slumps dejectedly to the floor.

I'm looking forward to the journey home and also to tomorrow! 

Annies Bar regulars dream up tasty punishments for shaken MPs

Enraged voters finding MPs’ overblown expenses hard to swallow are being offered a chance to wash away the pain of their wasted taxes - with some appropriately named drinks.

Staff at Annies Bar in Kentish Town were so incensed by MPs’ claims for duck islands, chandeliers, pornographic films and wisteria removal that they did the only thing they knew how to – designed special cocktails.

“Everyone at Annies was furious about the MPs expenses scandal,” says Maria Connolly, owner of the enterprising bar.

“Bani, our resident mixologist, was joking with customers about designing some drinks and we asked what the best names would be.

“We were so impressed we have decided to use the menu – but rest assured, no MPs will get any freebies here.”

Annies Bar’s Expenses Cocktail List

1. Duck Island Iced Tea – drives you quackers
2. Lynchers Lemonade – the drinkers are revolting
3. Martin Martini – shaken, shaken some more, hardly stirred
4. Morley Mojito – you need to order two, as the first isn’t really there. Honest.
5. Singapore Slip – think of a number, double it, claim it, write it down
6. Bloody Wary – we should have been
7. Right Rushon – to clear their names before the papers expose them
8. Slippery Nipple – because there are plenty of greasy tits in Parliament
9. Flipping Marvellous – expenses – if you’re an MP (served in two glasses)
10. Moat et Chandon – cleaner than Douglas Hogg’s conscience

Annies Bar is at 180 Kentish Town Road and is open from 12pm to 11.30pm Sunday to Thursday, and until midnight Friday and Saturday

When I was about 12 my Gran gave me a Scalextrix as a Christmas present. Amazing! Problem was we had to get it back from South London all the way to North Finchley. A long way when the only transport you've got is a clapped out banger stuffed with three brothers or the alternative which was a trek on four buses through the ghettos of West Norwood. We managed and made it back, Scalextrix in one piece, although I had the worst pins and needles ever. I'll tell you now it was a sacrifice worth making.

Now to mark the launch of the new Golf GTI, Volkswagen has constructed a Scalextric track on an epic scale inside a hangar. Oh Yes, as Tennant's Doctor Who would say.

The track features over 200 scale buildings in a space occupying 25ft by 30ft.  It forms the basis for the ‘GTI Project’, a new online game through which you can control the 1:43 scale Golf GTI as it negotiates the hairpins, straights and narrow bridges that make up the track. There’s no need to spend hours setting it up on the living room floor, or for that matter carting it back from South to North. Simply log onto the GTI Project website and you’ll be guided to the virtual workshops of the GTI Project and the track itself.  

So what are you waiting for get your racing gloves on and make your way to the track (or keyboard).

The Association of Maritime Research (AMR) was created over 100 years ago with the aim of providing and promoting an understanding of the unknown that lies within our seas. The AMR have a rather unique approach to research, by using eye witness statements and testimonials as well as obtaining scientific explanations for the sightings from scientists who specialise in marine research. By communicating their findings to the public they intend to get more people excited by what they are doing and for those same people to come forward and share their sightings.

Have you ever seen a suspicious creature off the shoreline? In April this year a huge, dark, rapidly moving object was spotted off the Boulogne Harbour. The object was filmed and disappeared within a couple of seconds. It was clear to the spotter that this was not an outline of a whale but something of an unknown. The AMR are keen to find out more about the creature and are currently offering a reward for evidence that leads directly to more information about it.

The AMR is now calling for witnesses to come forward and share their experiences in a hope that they can find out more about what's going on down there. There is currently a campaign being run by the AMR including a big online presence. To find out more and for a chance to earn the reward visit the website www.thechannelcreature.com.

I meant to do this a while back, I wanted to keep my lovely readers updated with the goings on with my new flat. But everything just got a little too much and I just didn't get round to it. So here's some late introductions, a quick re-cap and a where we are at now.

Who's who (let me just say that a few months ago I would have probably started this post off with a general all round I hate Estate Agents, especially those from Foxtons rant...but as this is a truthful recolection I won't be stating the above, they are actually very good & nice)

Roberta - Girlfriend, worrier and bathroom decision maker.

Laura - Mother, bigger worrier and deposit assistant.

Neil - Foxtonite, showed us around flats until late in the day on many occasions and general nice guy.

Bruno - Our broker, sourced the mortgage, organised the solicitor and generally alliviated our concerns with his laid back "don't worry, enjoy your weekend" attitude.

Marcus - Our guy between the vendor and us. Constantly keeping us updated and on our toes ready for action. We definately wouldn't have done this without constant concerns and kicks up the backside from Marcus (also Foxtons)

Heena - The Solicitor, the unlucky receipient of mine, Bruno's and Marcus' phone calls for the last two weeks of getting the flat. 

Mr Lal - The Vendor, I don't know much more about him apart from that he is a small businessman.

The Others - Yes, just like in Lost, this wouldn't have been the same without The Others - pesky fuckers.

We went into buying a flat without knowing too much about getting on the proverbial property ladder. We definatly liked the flat, forget the fact that the floors were a bit wonky and there was damp. There was a lot of space, a lot of potential, a garden and a dream N6 postcode to boot.

So, standing on Archway Road for the second time with Neil, "So" he says in his slightly Londonised Irish tone "Would you like to make an offer?" I look at Roberta, a little perplexed because, well, truthfully I didn't know it worked like that. We stood for a moment and gave it the "ok, how about this..." Neil looked about as perplexed as we did, telling us he'd try, but it was unlikely, as it was £60k below the asking price. My response was and I'd read this many times over the few months building upto this stage was "it is a buyers market."

A few hours later and after some "imagine if he accepted our ridiculously low offer" chat, we were contacted by Neil. "Sorry" he said..."it's just too low, do you want to try a bit higher?"

"yes, go on then..try this" Still £30k below the asking price, "it is after all a buyers market." 

"No.." was the rather unsurprising response. We needed to go 10 grand more to seal this one, I'd pay the extra 10 grand to have a flat in Highgate as opposed to Edmonton was my response and we went with it. "Congratulations" roared Neil..."the Offer has been accepted"

Whilst all this had been taking place we had met Michael who was about as useful as a piece of steak at a vegetarian dinner party and moved on to Bruno, who would eventually become our broker. We had a mortgage in principal and all the other stuff that came with it. We politely turned down the life insurance and critical illness cover. It's times like that when I'm always reminded of Meet the Parents when Ben Stiller tells his wife that "that's how they make their money" about the car rental insurance before having the windscreen cracked...tut tut.

Great - Mortgage Offer provisionally done, which I can tell you is better than some others had faired...but it still doesn't count.

House Offer - Accepted, excellent news.

Now what?

Well, now there is all the other bits that go with buying a house surveys, searches, insurance and all the things that really, are not that fun and cost thousands of pounds for not actually that much to be done. Good news is that the solicitors found out that our flat was in a Parish Church area so we have to pay for the upkeep of the church...or just a one off insurance of £150...unsure of when the church roof might fall down we went for the latter. Next there was the survey. Oh the survey. £600 for a man (who we will come to in part 2) to wander about and go "hmmm, I see, yes, ok...well I think that you should do this...and this and yes..." He actually found a little bit of damp - nothing critical, not enough to make us want to throw away our wonky floored flat...but enough to make Nationwide say "WE'RE WITHOLDING £5,000 UNTIL YOU FIX THE DAMP" great, more cash. The damp cost less than half of that but hey ho - they're the guys with the cash. There were a few more ridiculous fees but that's what happens and we had to take it on the chin...at least we've got a garden!

All we needed now was to get the mortgage offer, sign the lease, sign the contract and handover the deposit.

Simples as Alexsander Orlov would say.

No, not so bloody simples........as you will find out in part 2.

 

As the new Poet Laureate is due to be announced the National Portrait Gallery displays for the first time a newly discovered portrait of John Dryden in his role as first Poet Laureate

The National Portrait Gallery has acquired an oil portrait of the British seventeenth-century poet John Dryden, by the court artist John Michael Wright, believed to have been painted at the time he was appointed first official Poet Laureate in 1668.  With its wreath and Latin inscriptions, the painting is a celebration of the newly created office of Poet Laureate and is the first portrait of a writer appointed to the role.

The outstanding painting - on public display today for the first time at the National Portrait Gallery - has been secured for the Gallery for £225,000. This has been made possible with a generous contribution of £45,000 from The Art Fund, the UK's leading independent art charity, and through the support of the Lerner Gift and other Gallery patrons.

Sandy Nairne, Director of the National Portrait Gallery, London, says: 'This is a very fine portrait of Dryden, one which celebrates the man and also the Poet Laureateship itself. I am most grateful for the support that has made this acquisition possible.'

David Barrie, Director of The Art Fund, says: 'John Dryden is a significant figure in the country's literary history. This painting is a valuable acquisition for the National Portrait Gallery, featuring the poet at the pinnacle of his career.'

The fine and sensitive portrait shows a prosperous and confident man in his mid-thirties, with a slight smile, wearing a wig in keeping with the style of the period. He is encased in an oval decorative surround or cartouche, an illusionistic frame within a frame. The sitter's appearance, the wreath around the cartouche and the inscriptions, support its identification as a depiction of Dryden at this time.

The Latin inscriptions on the lower part of the cartouche are short quotations from six Latin poets, Virgil, Horace, Martial, Juvenal, Ovid and Statius. All refer to the wreathing of poets with laurels, ivy, oak or olive. The main inscription, 'Par omnibus Unus', translates as 'one [poet] a match for [them] all'. The classical allusions, as well as highlighting Dryden's new office, are appropriate for a man so famously steeped in classical scholarship.

All three of the Gallery's existing oil portraits of Dryden date from the 1690s, when he was effectively in retirement from court life. The present portrait is especially important as it shows him at the height of his career, during the reign of Charles II, with whose court his poetry is most closely associated. The earliest certain reference to this painting, is in Edward Brayley's History of Surrey, 1850, in which it is recorded at West Horsley Place, the historic home of Sir Edward Nicholas, Secretary of State to Charles I and Charles II. Previously unknown either in the iconography of Dryden or in the oeuvre of John Michael Wright, it fills a gap in Dryden's portraiture between the early portrait of c.1664 at the Bodleian Library, Oxford, and that by John Riley of 1683 (in a private collection).

John Dryden (1631-1700) was made first official poet laureate in 1668, and historiographer royal in 1670. He converted to Roman Catholicism c 1685 and lost his royal appointments following the accession of William and Mary. During a long career he tried his hand at most of the poetic idioms of his day. Well known by his contemporaries as a dramatist, it is for his topical satirical poetry, such as Absalom and Achitophel, and his translations of classical texts that he is now most admired.

After training in Scotland and travels in Europe, John Michael Wright (1617-94) settled in London in 1656. Following the accession of Charles II, Wright was appointed 'Picture Drawer in Ordinary' in 1673. He was a distinctive artist at a time when most portraiture was under the influence of Peter Lely. Wright's sympathetic depictions resisted a tendency in portraits at this time to make men and women conform to a fashionable ideal; his sitters appear as individuals rather than types.

John Dryden by John Michael Wright is on display in the National Portrait Gallery's Seventeenth Century Collections in Room 7, Second Floor, from 15 April

The Other Side Magazine have taken their first steps in to consumer products and launched their own brand of white label microwaveable meals. The meals have been launched as an incentive to get kids to think about what goes into their stomachs. The plain packaging allows users to choose what they eat and how.

 

VP Nathan May said “by leaving the outside of the packaging plain, users will be able to determine what they eat. It’s mostly in the mind, a cheeseburger could essentially become a vegetable pie, it is a psychological thing. Your mind begins to believe what your eyes are seeing on the packet and ignore what your taste buds are telling you.”

 

The product allows for user defined nutritional information to be placed on the pack. Guidelines are set out, but these are only there to be broken. Sam Lassman Watts, who created the product commented “If we can convince ourselves that we are eating a fat free pudding then our body will ultimately believe that. So by putting great nutritional stats on the side of the pack you are on your way to a better you.”

 

The product will be launched nationwide on Monday and will cost £2.99. The meals will come with a packet of four crayons.