We’ve all been there, the tube pulls into Tottenham Court Road and you’re busting for a wizz. It’s still at best, a four minute walk to the exits. Then it’s decision time; where to go, is it that desperate that you resort to the McDonalds bog or can you hold your bladder long enough to make it to the tranquillity of the Oxford Street department store WCs.

Well you no longer need to worry as we’ve drunk our weight in Capri Sun and come up with London’s ultimate toilet guide.

Liberty’s – Nearest Tube, Oxford Circus…for the boys

Once you’ve navigated your way past the world's most expensive t-shirt and jackets that could make Stone Cold Steve Austin look camp, you’ll find yourself in among the Art. Walk through glancing as you pass as if you might just might purchase a water colour. Don't, because they're all rubbish. Instead sneak left into the none-too-shabby toilets.

Ray’s Jazz Café at Foyles – Charing Cross Road 

Bookshops are a great place to take a leek, mainly because nobody tells you toilets are for customers only. Ray’s has a male and a female lav and is situated on the second floor of Foyles bookshop. Treat yourself to a toasted rye bread sandwich after, they are really great.

Borders – Charing Cross Road / Oxford Street 

The great thing about Borders is the array of ephemera that you can take into the toilets with you. Handy mag rails, with hundreds of items are in store, peruse at your leisure and take one to the bathroom with you. But be sure to return anything you borrow – we don’t want to promote thieves now do we.

Selfridges – Oxford Street 

Selfridges toilets are clean. There is plenty of space inside and there’s always a guy checking everything is ok. No e-coli, no bird flu just a simple toilet. However, that said – any department store will do, although I might add that House of Fraser is very hot and is an unpleasant experience.

Pret a Manger – Long Acre, Covent Garden/Leicester Square 

Hidden away downstairs in big Pret is a small metallic lavvy. It’s not particularly nice but it does the job. I liked the futuristic feel it had. Corrugated metal doors and horrifically designed entry. But it’s times like these that design features are the least of your worries.

That Shopping Centre in Neal’s Yard (you know the one) - Covent Garden

Despite being a dumping ground for some distinctly rubbish clothes shops, it boasts a coffee stand and comfy seats and a decent atmosphere. Better yet, there are some piss-soaked free bogs to use. They're one up from going up against a wall at the very least.

Have you drunk too much Ribena on the tube recently? Had to make a dash for a pit stop? Where did you go and what did you think. Share you bog experiences with us at   www.theothersidemag.co.uk

If like me, you sky plus the X-Factor and stick it on fast forward when a guy in his mid thirties starts covering U2 or a girl in her mid teens starts singing U2 and purely enjoy the show for the judging debacle that follows the obligatory U2 performances.

This week Louie branded Simon a "Cheat" for selecting what was not officially a big band song.

One of the bits that I don't fast forward through is John and Edward, the freaky twins from Dublin. The first people to go on the show and look like they are seriously enjoying themselves as opposed to competing in a "Running Man" style life or death event. In fact, perhaps that is the next step in the X-Factor's progression, you don't get voted out, but you get voted into an underground pit, where you have to survive until the final show if you are to take part in the lucrative X-Factor tour. I would presume the pit would contain such awful things as Westlife, Pete Waterman and Martin Keown. But all of that is slightly off topic.

My point is that, without those two Dubliners in the competition it wouldn't even be worth watching on fast forward. The country is outraged because a guy that could sing in tune and had the personality of a wet sock was beaten by two 17 year old twins dressed in multicoloured suits grinding up and down a scantily clad dancer. Of course they can't sing, but then should we care? No. And if you do really care then maybe there is a place for you in that death event - you could be a gladiator, stop the ones you hate from getting through to the tour.

The X-Factor spin off will start during next years boot camp and to be part of the show just try and do something like this....

height

Once upon a time... I'm thinking maybe two or three years ago Proud Galleries used to be pretty fun... They had big beds in the back, bands in the front where people would cram in and watch great new bands...Now the corporate facade of 'Proud Industries' makes the whole experience no fun, the PS3s, the vast open space when a band plays and the overpriced drinks....

First let me flag up a recent event we held at Proud and a conversation I had with them:

"Hello, do you think we can provide a rider for the bands?"

"no"

"er..ok, can we get a crate of beer or two at cost"

"hold on" goes away and returns a few minutes later.

"nope, but you can buy a crate from us. It's £90 for 20 24 beers."

"right, ok"

Pre gig, and a security guard walks around and without so much as eye contact decides to rummage through every bag in the venue. How pleasant.

Last week, I received an invite to the opening of the new Proud dining experience. It read, you and three friends can come down. Please RSVP and we will let you know what to do next. RSVP'd and got my email, we're looking forward to you and three friends coming.... please turn up at 7.30. Great.

Now, today, I have an email, I'm sorry to say, that only two of you can come to the launch.  We've overbooked. Thanks.

Well Alex, I'm afraid that I won't be attending. Chances are it'll be too pretentious for me anyway and to be perfectly honest, if I don't get an invite to your next fabulous event I won't be too worried.

Oh... and if anyone fancies going down to start a food fight then let me know - you can go under my name.

bye

(apologies for this)

This weekend I made the rather long trip to Oban, on the West coast of Scotland, for some fresh air, brisk country walks and a bit of adventuring on the sea in search of otters, seals and other sea-faring creatures. We were on Sea-fari. After taking in the many small islands, some of the atlantic ocean and the third largest whirlpool in the world, what better thing to do than to take a walk up the mountain to a secluded beach. Beautiful. 

Our walk culminated in a stony beach, untouched by modern man, no rubbish, no cars, no ice cream stands, just the sea and plenty of natural spring waterfalls. Being the thirsty explorer, I found what looked like the most enticing fall, I cleared the leaves and the rocks to make a pool, and after letting the water flow for a while drank to my hearts content. It tasted clean and wonderfully cool after my long walk. Little did I know the effects this would later have. Bear Grylls has taught me well, I took heed of his knowledge and made sure that I had cleared the water before digging in and I made sure that the blackberries I ate along the way were free from animals.

A little later and I could feel the effects, which we needn't go into. The issue was the distance I was from home. Three hours from Oban to Glasgow, a three hour wait and then five hours from Glasgow to London... and on my birthday.

My Glasgow experience is now rather tainted, although a tour of the cities finest, and not so finest toilets is now something I can happily tick off my box of things to do before I'm 30. Whilst I do not recommend the red satin curtains of Tiger Tiger, I can suggest The Willow Tea Rooms which were designed by Charles Rennie McKintosh and serve up all realms of tea and breakfasty delights, none of which I was able to enjoy, but they do have a tastefully designed black and white toilet. The 30pence it cost me to go at Glasgow Central station was money not well spent, although saying that, it was a little less scary than Glasgow Queen Street, where there's one too many corridors and just not enough people using the bogs to feel comfortable. Both of which, are outstandingly better than the Oban to Glasgow train which certainly tops the Virgin Trains metal room. 

SO, there's a lesson to all you city dwellers, next time you take a countryside walk, be sure to pack the apple juice, evian and some fresh fruit.

When someone asks me for ten pence to get on the bus my initial reaction is usually something along the lines of "sorry, I don't have any change" on occasions "sorry, I only carry pink notes" and every now and then I pull out the silver coin and offer some advice like "the bus costs 2 quid if you don't have an Oyster"

Recently, a peculiar man has been hanging out on the Archway Road, somewhere in between my flat and the pub. Last Sunday morning he approached me and requested 10p. I had little choice, I had just been to the shop to purchase some apple juice and the Sunday papers ready for a day on the sofa. I delved into my pocket knowing that I had just been given change and pulled out some cash, there it was a £2 coin and the 10p that he had requested. The choice of giving said strange man the 10p or the £2 or both flashed through my mind as I said "look at that, it's your lucky day" and handed over the cash. Without so much as a thank you, the strange man then preceded to follow me, "mate" he said, "mate, could you buy me a packet of cigarettes?" I declined his proposition and walked home.

"I am not your mate."

according to the dictionary mate is defined as 'Chiefly British A good friend or companion.'

This has caused multiple issues with me lately (well, essentially the last ten years), as the word 'mate' is being thrown around more and more, in places that don't warrant it.

In the last week,

Pin-striped suited man who walks around with his bluetooth headset on, giving it the buy, sell, buy, buy, sell crap all the time squeezed past me in the kitchen;

"Excuse me mate, just gotta reach my (pinstriped) mug"

On the football pitch at Hackney marshes on a Saturday morning after being crunched;

"sorry mate"

"Fuck off, I'm not your mate",

It's time we started changing things, mate has to go. If someone wants to borrow some money in the street, perhaps we should go back to some kind of Dickensian vibe;

"Excuse me Mr, lend us a bob" or in extreme cases, such as the chaps on the football field perhaps we just remove mate altogether.

And Mr Pin Stripe. Next time you want your f*cking mug it'll be SIR for you.

Occasionally I use the word 'mate', for example, when I talk to my girlfriend, I say "Shall we mate".

Nothing says English summer’s eve like a hamper, plastic plates and some houmous and crisps. Here’s how to go one step further than Somerfield’s Extra Special taramosalata…

Don’t overdo this, remember less is more, especially if you’re trying to impress. Nobody wants to walk home with a complaining bloated so and so.

Sicilian Tomato Salad
On a recent trip to Trapani this salad was a staple at lunch. It’s so easy to make and as long as you use proper bo tomatoes it’s a winner every time.

You need:
10 top of the range tomatoes (a mixed bag)
1 red onion roughly chopped
1 green chilli sliced
1 lemon
Olive oil – the good shit
Sea salt.

Throw the lot into a big bowl, squeeze the lemon, douse on the olive oil and sprinkle with salt. Shake, mix and stir before decanting into your finest Tupperware.

Bust out some home made olives
We’re not talking growing your own, but here’s a bit of a money saving tip too. Pick up a gigantic jar of olives and drain them. Now pour on some squeezed lemon juice, olive oil, sea salt and pepper. This is your base. You can now mess about with these as you please. Add Feta cheese, chopped chilli and garlic, jalepenos, thyme … sometimes it’s pretty slick to stuff each olive with a roasted almond.

Pea, Broad Bean and Edamame salad
You can cheat and get the peas and broad beans frozen, but fresh these are amazing this time of year and it’s fun to pop them out of their skins. Try Japanese stores for the edamame or you can find soya beans in the frozen section of most supermarkets.
Steam or boil all the ingredients still in their skins. Remove from the heat and allow to cool. When they are cooled pop all the insides out into a big bowl, pour over a little olive oil, fresh mint and some salt. You can edit this as you like… it’s nice with green beans and some chopped chilli, throw in an Asian twist by adding some sesame oil and sesame seeds.

Soft Bread Fresh Pizza
I just thought this up; I guess it’s like a sandwich but better, because it’s called a pizza.

Get your hands on a decent amount of:
fresh bread
Some buffalo mozzarella
Parma ham
Rocket
Basil

Slice the bread and press down around the crusts creating a ridge around your pizza. Place some of the tomato salad as your base and then rip up your mozzarella. It’s a perfect pizza base – all you need to do now is add your toppings and drizzle over some of the tomato salad dressing. If it’s really hot put the pizza in the sun for ten minutes and watch the mozzarella warm up a little (this is England after all).

Make your own Houmous
Yet more olive oil and lemon juice!
Blend a tin of chick peas, the olive oil, garlic, lemon juice, salt and watch as it turns into perfect houmous. Officially you should add some tahini paste, but it’s nicer without, sprinkle over some paprika.

And for dessert?
Depending on where you are you’ll want an ice cream. Those in Regents Park or Hampstead Heath could make the short walk to Marine Ices by Chalk Farm Station, there’s also Marine Ices supplied Ice Cream in the Highgate Wood cafe. If you are sitting in Hyde Park or Green Park then try the newly opened Argentinian Ice Cream bar, Freggo on Swallow Street just off Regent’s Street or really splash out at Fortnum and Mason where Ice Cream is truly great. Otherwise grab a Mr Whippy from the dodgy bloke outside the tube station.

Somehow, I'm not sure how or why, but somehow, I have been put on the security rota at the Synagogue my family belongs too. I rarely go to synagogue and when I do, I am stood outside the gates in a yellow jacket as the first line of defence from whatever terrorist threat is lurking in the streets.

This week, I was sent this email....  make of it what you will....

I wanted to make you aware of a concerning woman who is in the Finchley area who we believe may have mental heath issues and certainly has an interest in Finchley Reform Shul, and possibly others:
 
Finchley Reform has received numerous items of strange hate mail (2 attached) over the last month.
 
On 13/09/09 at 14.00 a black female attempted to gain access to Finchley Reform Synagogue but was stopped by the location security.
 
She was very incoherent and came across as though she may have mental health issues. It is reported she said something along the lines of "Whores, the evil in this place." and muttered numerous other things under her breath. She then left, before trying to enter the location again shortly after, this time tailgating a member of the community, before being stopped by the same security officer.
 
She produced a Bible, and when the Security Officer asked her to leave again she said "do not mock me." She then left for the second time and has not returned. Please see a photo of the woman attached.
 
On 20/09/09 the same black female was seen delivering strange hate mail to the location on Rosh Hashona. The guard stopped her and took the mail off her and a copy is in the CST office who passed this information over to local police who have passed her details over to their mental health liaison officer to see if they have her on file.
 
The police have requested you immediately dial 999 if she attempts to enter your building as they want to check her out. Please ensure your teams report the matter to the Police on 999 and then CST.

 

The Armando Iannucci Shows - Paper

After spending a week watching 'Come Dine With Me' I decided that it was only right to host my own TOS CDWM. Using Twitter we managed to get our first four people together and within the next month there will be four evenings, rated, slated and examined. Photographic proof, a blog and perhaps even some type of video affair will be on this site.

If you want in, then post a comment and we will organise one for you!

bye

I've just had a Wendsleydale and Carrot Chutney Sandwich from M&S. It's definitely in my top three ever, but what's the best? the best sandwich ever? tell me.... please.