World Cup Willies

Can England win the World Cup? On the pitch it’s anyone’s guess (although practicing penalties might help), but off it the general consensus is a resounding “No”. But why? This is England – the birthplace of football, home to the finest league in the world^TM. We have the most famous stadium in the sport as our (Paul) jewel in the crown, and a squad of international ambassadors that includes such legends as Shearer, Seaman, Lineker, Hoddle, Barnes, Ardiles, Beardsley, Shilton and Carlos Edwards.

Sadly, we also have the FA. If they ever make “How to Lose Friends and Alienate People 2” (and we all pray that they don’t) then the chairman, Lord Triesman, is a shoo-in for a starring role. Winning the bid means winning over FIFA’s various Vice-Presidents, so you’d have thought the best place to start was Englishman Geoff Thompson, a former FA chairman himself. Reportedly Triesman still hadn’t called him nearly two years after getting the job, although maybe he didn’t have any free minutes left. 

Of course, certain Vice-Presidents (or should that be Vices-President?) are never going to be convinced. Despite suggesting that England’s bid needed a bit of glam, the sort of glam that, say, a free bag might provide, CONCACAF President Jack Warner recently returned a free Mulberry handbag given as a gift to his wife after a storm of negative publicity. OK, more like a mild shower than your actual storm, but you get the picture.

“This malaise of my wife and I has been allowed to fester for too long, much to our embarrassment,” wrote Warner in a letter to Triesman (referring to the bag incident rather than commenting on his marriage in general) before going on to add that “there is nothing that your FA can offer me to get my vote", which rather scuppers the FA’s plans for a private Jedward gig in his honour.

The bid team’s response to mounting criticism was a “streamlining” of the board, although disappointingly this didn’t mean Lord Triesman pushing reps in the gym, just a reshuffle. Out went the dead wood leaving only the big hitters behind – people like Premier League Chairman Dave Richards, Football League Chairman Brian Mawhinney, 2012 Olympic bid mastermind and really fast runner Seb Coe...oh, and FIFA Vice-President and Executive Committee member Geoff Thompson (but only after Lord Coe took him out for a nice meal at Pizza Express). There’s also an advisory group led by Karren Brady which just happens to contain all that dead wood, although whether she sets them Apprentice-style tasks to keep them on their toes remains to be seen.

The FA has until 14 May 2010 to deliver their “Bid Book” to FIFA, which will contain proposals for stadiums, training venues, base camps and Fan Parks and some little stick men drawings by Romeo Beckham,  before they finally reveal in December 2010 that we lost out to a nation whose football team is nicknamed the “Soccerroos”. It would be fantastic to see the Wold Cup come to England again, but the way we’re going we’ll be lucky even to get the Pro-Evo one. Let’s pray for an Xmas miracle…

Rio says he is "fine to play." Thierry is "raring to go", Wayne is "eating a sandwich" and Dimitar is...well, the biggest waste of £30million. It's the big one tonight as Manchester United take on Barcelona in...(writer is prodded by dainty excitable wannabe reporter explaining that people know this is happening tonight....dainty, excitable, wannabe reporter is banished from sight) ...this evenings Champions League Final.

Tonight, Tonight, Tonight, Tonight, Tonight...as Tony from the Jets once said is all about Football...top quality ball in the net football. Messi has been tipped to shineby super cool guvnor Pep Guardiola. He must produce what Chelsea stopped him from producing over two legs in the semi final.

 So what will happen? From a neutral's perspective I hope football is the overall winner. But from a Spurs fans perspective, I hope football and Barcelona are the overall winners. Something about watching old red nose chew his way through ten packs of Wrigley's as the game draws to a close. We can only dream that Berba comes off the bench to miss a penalty and is then sent off for a petulant kick out, maybe if we're lucky Rio will also do something inadvertantly funny like hauling down Eto as he runs through on goal ....red card...9 men but it's still 2-1 to United. 8 minutes left, 7 minutes.....3 minutes it's 2-1 and everyone is up...Penalty...saved by Van Der Sar....1 minute to go...this surely must be United's day....then from nowhere Messi shines, he takes on three players and slots the ball home...Rome, Las Ramblas, Highbury, Merseyside and the rest of London rejoice....5 minutes of time added on...Red nose is fuming.....with one to go a hoofed ball up from Victor Valdes is chested down by Thierry Henry and the ex Arsenal player volleys the ball into the top corner....Rooney, with tears in his eyes ala gazza in Rome in 1990, Red nose has never been so red...his teeth fall out from over chew and Gary Neville well, we'll just leave Gary Neville out of this....United have been slain and the whole world rejoices.

He works for the Messiah, and he's a very naughty boy...

Monday
A new week, and a new me. Haven’t been on the pitch for 3 months now, but I’m raring to go, and it’s high time I put my bad boy image behind me. I’ve done my time, Newcastle United are in trouble, and now I’m ready to step up and do my bit for Big Al. I think he might be the messiah.

Tuesday
Bit tired today. Drove out for a McDonald’s in the wee hours and there were all these people out on the road. My first thought from now is “Stay good Joey”, so I slowed down to inch past them carefully. One of them seemed really excited to see such a big name star up close and in person. He ran up to my car (guess he wanted my autograph) but accidently bumped into it. Spilt my Smarties McFlurry all over the seat - it’s hard being a celebrity sometimes.  

Wednesday
Heard I’m probably starting on Saturday! Just got back from a party to celebrate. These Geordies know how to have a good time, especially that Xisco fella! He kept going on about a thong for some reason though. Lit up a nice Cuban towards the end of the night but couldn’t find an ashtray. Was a bit worried about ruining the carpet – could already see the “Barton in shag pile shocker” headlines - but someone helpfully offered me their eye to stub it out on. Lucky that, could have been really damaging to my new, clean cut image.

Thursday
Got a call from my old mate Paul Merson (got friendly with him at Big Tone’s driving school). He’s fronting an ad campaign for a betting shop (nothing says “Gambling” quite like a life sized cardboard cut out of our Paul) and wanted to know if I fancied getting involved. Had to turn him down – it’s "total abstinence" all the way for me.

Friday
Yes! Match day tomorrow! So excited I nearly made a mess of my Ousmane Dabo duvet cover.

Saturday
Played footy for first time in ages today, it was amazing! Back in Liverpool, where I grew up, the reception from the supporters was just magic. They must have heard about my efforts to turn over a new leaf, because every time I touched the ball all I could hear was “Neeeew”. Thanks guys.

One quite funny incident - Xabi Alonso was keeping the ball near the corner, and I ran over to get it because I wanted to give the fans another chance to see what I can do. The pitch was a bit wet and I slipped over, my legs shot up, and poor old Xabi was knocked off his feet. It was real Laurel and Hardy stuff! We’d used up all our subs and I’d started to wonder if I was going to get a chance to take an ovation and thank all the fans, but good old Phil Dowd showed me a red card so I had the stage all to myself when I went off. Thanks ref! Big Al was so chuffed he went all red in the face. Shame about the final result, but I had a really great day out. Went to bed with a big smile on my face.

Sunday
Got a call from the club this afternoon – seems the boss is so happy with my work this week that he’s decided to reward me with a two week holiday! Woo hoo – no more training for me this season! This “good egg” business really has its benefits. All in all, I’m a very happy bunny.

Top 10 moments of the Premier Leage season so far
With the Premier League season almost done and dusted, there’s just time for us to give you our top 10 moments from the year so far. What fun!

10. Robinho’s geography lesson
A decent “will he, won’t he” with a surprise ending with Robinho ending up at City. When he was unveiled, he told reporters that "On the last day, Chelsea made a great proposal and I accepted." "You mean Manchester, right?" they asked. "Yeah, Manchester, sorry!" said Robinho. Good one son!

9. Marouane Fellaini’s hair
Footballer by day, extra from Shaft by night

8. Berbatov pays the penalty
Weak doesn’t even begin to describe the penalty Dimitar Berbatov took in the FA Cup semi final against Everton. Shocker.

7. Fuller shows Ricky Hatton how it’s done
When West Ham equalised against Stoke, Ricardo Fuller’s response was to slap team mate Andy Griffin in the face! Fair enough.

6. "He absolutely rapes him"
Alan Pardew’s interesting thoughts on Michael Essien’s football skills mean that he won’t be invited back to the MOTD sofa in a hurry. Good news, because it leaves more room for Gazza.

5. Macheda arrives
Who are ya? A question nobody asks Federico Macheda any more after the boy-man’s incredible last minute curler to beat Villa at Old Trafford.

4. 4-4s
A season of classics. Arsenal v Tottenham, Chelsea v Liverpool, Liverpool v Arsenal – great for the neutrals!

3. Happy Harry receives the freedom of Pompey
Harry Redknapp received the Freedom of the City of Portsmouth in a ceremony on 28 October. Given that he’d left for Tottenham on 26 October, the reception he received from the Pompey faithful could best be described as “mixed”.

2. Rafa’s rant
Anyone who says that Fergie’s mind games don’t work just needs to read the transcript of Rafa’s mid-season rant. “I want to talk about facts. I want to be clear, I do not want to play mind games too early”. You tell ‘em Rafa.

1. Chelsea v Barcelona
Three words: Tom Henning Ovrebo. Classic! Calm down Didier, it’s only a commercial...

As the premier league season heads for what is likely to be the most dramatic finishes ever we take a look at who might end up where and just why Newcastle United are in really big trouble. (current position in italic)

City will be alright although they might end up closer to the bottom than the Sheiks would like. They may be focussing too much energy on the UEFA cup, but Mark Hughes knows only too well that failure to qualify for Europe next season would be a massive hindrance in his quest to bring the worlds best to the City of Manchester Stadium and I just can’t see them doing it in the league. 

Prediction 10^th Place 48 Points

Spurs are on a great run, they haven’t lost in the league since the end of January and last weekends victory at Villa will give them a massive confidence boost. With Aaron Lennon providing England form and Robbie Keane stamping his influence on the team Spurs are only going upwards now.

Prediction 7^th place 55 Points

The next two games are crucial for Bolton, away to West Brom and the home to Middlesbrough are two extremely winnable games for Bolton. They are a very physical side and will dominate teams who try to play football, which is what West Brom and Boro do, six points from those and Bolton will end the season on a high.

Prediction 11^th 48 Points

Hull have proven that they have the quality and desire to beat some of the top teams in the league and that’s why they will stay up. Beating Fulham was crucial and if Phil Brown can get the best out of Giovanni hull should be plying their trade with the best again next season.

Prediction 12^th 43 Points

Sunderland are on a poor run of late and without a win since early February. They have got some big games coming up against Manchest City and West Ham which they need to get something out of. Following those Manchester Untied visit the Stadium of Light and then they have two huge games against Hull and West Brom, these are where you have to feel Sunderland’s season will be decided. Seven Points from the next five games should see Sundeland home, but I can’t see that happening.

Prediction 17^th  38 Points

Sam Allardyce will have sat down with his side and highlighted the games that he expects them to win. They are a big side with some top quality players and if they aim for maximum points against Stoke, West Brom and Portsmouth and keep Roque Santa Cruz fit and scoring they will be absolutely fine.

Prediction 13^th 41 Points

I think Newcastle are in real trouble. They still have to play Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool and Aston Villa. If they lose the next two then I can’t see them getting out of the mire. You have to question whether Chris Hughton does any good and whether Joe Kinnear would make things even worse.

Pompey a favourable run in and a game in hand. Six of their remaining 10 games are against sides in the bottom half and they have experience in abundance. If Sol Campbell and David James can get the backbone of the side going again Portsmouth might even climb a little higher than we’ve predicted.

Prediction 15^th 39 Points

Tony Pulis made one of the best signings in the transfer window by bringing in James Beattie. He’s scoring plenty of goals and has brought added a lot of fire to Stoke’s survival fight. He causes problems for the best defenders because he is strong and powerful. Like Portsmouth they have a great run in and play all the teams around them in the next few weeks.

Prediction 16^th 39 Points

Middlesbrough had serious renewed hope a few weeks back after beating Liverpool but have gone off the boil since then. I think that Gareth Southgate is too nice to be stuck in a relegation dogfight and his players are too fancy to stay up. They keel over too easily and to be honest don’t really have a premiership fan base. Watch for the empty seats on MOTD.

Prediction 20^th 28 Points

Unfortunately you can’t play good football and have a leaky defence. West Brom will always concede goals and no matter how much Tony Mowbray preaches the game it’s just not right for a team that has been battling for survival from day one. They might come into their own when their fate is sealed, but it will be far too late by then.

Prediction 19^th 31 Points

What does it take to become a professional footballer? How do you get the skills to pay the WAG’s bills? Some say it’s a talent you are born with, others that it’s down to luck. People dream of tasting the glory, experiencing the fame, driving the Maserati and roasting the groupies, but this is just a fantasy (The Other Side’s Off Side will neither confirm nor deny that we regularly fantasise about roasting groupies in a Maserati).  

But could you become as good as a Premiership footballer just by copying what they do? Can someone with average footballing skill, with the guidance of a team of experts, make Premiership football in just one year? That’s “The Beautiful Aim” that Arton Baleci, a 23 year old football fanatic from the North East, has set himself…and we just had to find out more! OSOS caught up with Arton fresh from a long training session on the exercise bike – you could almost taste the sweat... 

OSOS: Arton, how are you feeling?

AB: I’m feeling OK, working my way slowly back to full fitness. A month ago I injured my foot – I left my trainers in the locker room, and went on the treadmill to warm up with just socks on my feet. Even though I was on there for just two minutes, I felt a pain in my foot afterwards. I had it taped up, but had an allergic reaction to the tape – a bit of a comedy of errors! In a way, I wish it had been a “proper” injury like a hamstring – it feels so flimsy to be stopped by something so tiny. It’s given me an insight into the life of a professional sportsman – they’re probably playing through some kind of pain all the time. However much you’re paid, if you’re hurt you’re hurt, so I have sympathy for them when they get taunted by the crowd.  

OSOS: Sounds like being on the playground at school (only without the fear of being picked last). You don’t want people to see you’re actually hurt…

AB: You want to battle on, but it’s usually the worst thing you can do! 

OSOS: OK, let’s talk about something a little less painful. What is The Beautiful Aim?

AB: Using special technologies and training techniques that people don’t know a lot about, can I get myself to be approximately as good a footballer as a top level player? I had the idea back in March 2007 and approached the experts in these techniques. The idea was to approach TV companies for sponsorship but I kept chasing dead ends. A friend asked me last year, “why not just make a start with what you have?”...so I just started to run with it. It’s very ambitious! 

OSOS: We’ll say. So what motivated you to try and turn the dream of every little boy of earning £50k a week into reality?

AB: Ha-ha, the money would nice! But even if I was to get half as good as a Premier league player and held my own at a trial, I still might not get signed. But it’s not about that for me - my motivation is that I love football. On a personal level, it’s about me playing the sport I love to an exceptional level. Beyond that, I want to show that it’s possible to achieve this, especially for the people who are working with me. The financing of the whole thing is actually the biggest challenge. If the money had been there from the start I would probably be doing this behind closed doors. I don’t want fame for fame’s sake, but I always wanted to document the journey – say I’m successful, people wouldn’t really believe it! 

OSOS: Tell us more about the techniques. You’re using NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) modelling, which your website describes as “using altered states of consciousness to unconsciously uptake the skills of geniuses”. So do they plug you into a chair like in The Matrix?

AB: It’s not the Matrix! We have to use that type of language – we know it might alienate people, but we want to be precise. NLP “modelling”, which is different to NLP “application”, uses a different state of consciousness to that which we would usually use to learn things. I use kids as an example - they are like sponges, and at a young age you can absorb information more easily. NLP modelling can do the same for me; help me pick up information more readily. So I can watch videos of footballers and try to impersonate them. 

OSOS: Presumably that doesn’t mean doing an impression of Beckham’s squeaky voice or getting arrested for drink-driving?

AB: I ignore the way they speak, what cars they drive – I’m only interested in what I see on the pitch. You don’t have to live a party lifestyle to be a top footballer. Through NLP modelling, I try to copy their exact movements – exactly what I see on the pitch. If you could do a perfect impersonation of a top class football player’s game and had the same level of fitness as them, how good could you be? I also use a technique called Feldenkrais to get my body operating efficiently, and try to get the same quality of movement as a professional athlete so I can move the way they do. 

OSOS: Feldenkrais - didn’t he play for Germany?

AB: It’s a technique that increases human functioning by elevating awareness. Essentially it’s NLP application for the body, using awareness of your own patterns of movement to re-programme the way that you move. It’s used in sport to give people better body awareness so they can learn a larger repertoire of movement. For example, in one short session an expert told me that my weight shifts to one side – towards the left – and that I put more weight on my left foot.  

OSOS: You’re left footed then? You could probably get into the England team...

AB: I’m actually looking to become two footed. Through Feldenkrais I was able to reset my centre and balance my posture. Obviously a good sense of balance is vital for a footballer - think about how many steps they take over 90 minutes, so to be even a few degrees off would have a massive effect. 

OSOS: So how are you choosing the players to model? Who’s on the shortlist...and do they know they’re on it?

AB: Well, you’d have to ask them! I’d love them to know. My list comes from personal preference [the list includes players like Samir Nasri, WasFakeNowRealRonaldo, Thierry Henry and Robinho] – wingers and strikers that are the 20 best in the world in my opinion in terms of style. Everyone would have a different list. I’m not imitating all of them – it all depends on who I can get to see in video or in person. 

OSOS: Is there one particular player you’re modelling?

AB: That would be telling! Further down the line I’d like to post footage of myself on the website and have people guess who I’m modelling. Talk is cheap. 

OSOS: And have you met any of them?

AB: Well, he’s not on the list but I met Matt Le Tissier - what a legend! I did meet Christiano Ronaldo a few years back, but personal access is really difficult, so if anyone out there can help me then that would be great... 

OSOS: What team do you support, and are you hoping to get a trial for them?

AB: I support Arsenal. As a fan you’d obviously like to put on the shirt of the team you follow, but even if Spurs came knocking on the door it’d be an honour and privilege to play at that level.  

OSOS: What? Call yourself a Gooner...?

AB: Seriously, I think the fan in me would go out the window. Anyway, I went to a talk by Arsene Wenger on youth development – even if I was as good as one of the players on my list, for him to sign a 25 year old with no experience might just be a step too far! 

OSOS: Yes, unlucky for you you’re not an unknown 15 year old Frenchman. So you’d be happy to get a contract with any professional team…if Darlington came calling, would you answer?

AB: Getting a trial for a League 2 team would be fantastic, a phenomenal achievement. If I got signed it would solve my financial problems – I’d still be doing what I do now, emulating the best players, but I would do it whilst playing for a team.  

OSOS: So what’s been the best moment on your journey so far?

AB: Probably meeting Matt Le Tissier! I also spent 3 minutes in cryo-therapy chamber with Jon Goodman, which was a hell of an experience – how many people can say they were in a freezer with a member of The Crazy Gang wearing nothing but boxers, socks, gloves, face masks, tubagrip bandages and clogs? But the most satisfying moments are when I perform well in training, or hit a ball exactly like a player I’m emulating. 

OSOS: Is this your day job Arton?

AB: Yep, this is it. Funding is a real problem - the credit crunch probably wasn’t the best time to start up this project! Most of the services I use are either free or very cheap, offered by people who love the idea and want to get involved in something that hasn’t been done before. It’s a two hour journey to and from training, plus I have to eat a lot of the right food. I also sleep at least two hours a day more than I used to, and spend a lot of my time watching football footage to assimilate the movements 

OSOS: Blimey, Mrs OSOS gets upset if we have “The Blue and Red Channel” on (aka Sky Sports News). If you have a WAG, she must be very understanding…

AB: If I had a WAG I don’t think I’d be doing this project! If anyone has a WAG patient enough to put up with the time consumption of this project, they’ve found themselves an amazing woman. 

OSOS: Don’t worry, you’re saving yourself a mint on the shopping bill. So is there an aim beyond The Beautiful Aim?

AB: I hope that people might be inspired to do other things by seeing how The Beautiful Aim progresses. I want people to know that there are choices out there regarding how we learn and how we function. NLP modelling and Feldenkrais are powerful learning tools that people aren’t told about. I visited various health professionals after an injury, but it’s Feldenkrais that really helped my recovery. And also making people think about what they’re eating, or getting small knocks checked out – remember, this is just a normal fella saying this!  

OSOS: Finally Arton, what would you say to anyone else who wanted to fulfil the Beautiful Aim?

AB: If it’s really what you want to do, and you are willing to commit even more than you thought you would ever have to, then by all means crack on! 

Can Arton make it as a professional footballer? Will this be another “Invincible” story (American Football fan becomes top level pro)? If Mark Wahlberg can pull off a decent acting performance, then anything could be possible... 

If Arton succeeds it would be a mightily impressive achievement - follow his journey at www.thebeautifulaim.com. 

With November almost over it's time for the club chairman to reach for their chequebooks and the managers to start thinking about how they can improve their side. The transfer window in January is generally a crazy time. Last year £150m (£90m up on 2007) was spent by clubs desperate to fill the hole left by injuries and poorly performing players. If rumours are to be believed then that figure may be matched by one club alone. The credit crunch is yet to hit football and chances are it won't hit Manchester City, who are being linked with every decent player under the sun. Mark Hughes has apparently 'left the door open' for Kaka and Gianluigi Buffon who would cost in excess of £100million. If Buffon was to join City, I'm sure that the 'open door' would be left ajar long enough for Joe Hart to slip out of it in the direction of Tottenham Hotspur, although reports suggest that Jussi Jaskelinan could be making his way south for a paltry £3m that's if *$^ing Joe Kinnear doesn't get his mitts on the Finn first.

Meanwhile what of Andrei Arshavin, who still wants out of Russia, to warmer climates? Not London then! Possible suitors include Real Madrid, Spurs, Arsenal, Barca even Fulham have had a tenuous link to the 27 year old striker.

So who do you want your club to sign?

Is Injury ravaged Michael Owen worth a pop?

What about Zaki - if rumours are to be believed he's heading for one of the big four half way through his loan deal.

Let us know the player you want and who you want out - we can't make any promises but we'll ask Santa if he can sort a late Christmas present for you.

With the news that the Uruguayan authorities have suspended play in the country’s top league after hundreds of fans clashed in an on field riot, we felt that it was about time to research into the problems teams outside of the UK face from their fans.

According to the Interior Minister in Uruguay the fans clashed with iron bars and other weapons but said the clubs were to blame for ‘fomenting a culture of violence.’ Here’s a few more;

Romania 2003

With the threat of expulsion from the league Steaua Nicolae Balcescu of Romania’s fourth division put forward plans to build a moat around their pitch, filled with angry crocodiles; to deter even the most enthusiastic hooligan.

Club chairman Alexandra Cringus said; "This is not a joke. We can get crocodiles easy enough and feed them on meat from the local abattoir.” (or the badly behaved fans I assume) The moat is to be heated by electric pipes to keep the crocs warm in cold weather and be far enough from the pitch to prevent players chasing the ball into it. Cringus continued, "The ditch is planned to be wide enough that no one could manage to jump over it. Anyone who attempted to do so would have to deal with the crocs. I think that the problem of fans running onto the pitch will be solved once and for all."

China 2008

October this year and Wuhan Guanggu’s most famous fan has decided to pack in being a football fan and become a monk. The decision came after Wuhan withdrew from China’s pro league in protest at the suspension of former China captain Li Weifeng for eight matches following a scuffle. "We made the decision because we must maintain the club's pride and be responsible for China's soccer and fans," said a statement released by Wuhan. "We hope that by pulling out of the league, people involved in soccer will become aware of the problems and help develop the sport."

Mei Nansheng, has since headed for a life in the Shaolin Temple. "My two sons have both died now," referring to Wuhan Guanggu and the Chinese national team, who were eliminated from the 2010 World Cup Qualifiers this year. "So you can imagine how it grieves me. I will go to the Shaolin Temple to live a peaceful life," he said.

Columbia

In 1994 following his own goal in the World Cup Andrés Escobar was shot dead in Medellin, according to reports the mistake cost Columbian betting syndicates millions. Humberto Muñoz Castro was found guilty of Escobar’s murder and sentenced to 43 years in Jail, that was later reduced to 26 and he was controversially released in 2005 only 11 years after the shooting.  The day after Escobar’s murder Alan Hansen was reprimanded and the BBC had to issue an apology after a comment on some poor defending, “the Argentine defender wants shooting for a mistake like that.”

In 2006 Elson Becerra became the 12th Columbian footballer to be shot dead in the last 20 years when he was murdered in a night club in the coastal town of Cartagena.

London 2008

Rio Ferdinand and Ashley Cole have agreed to fund and become executive producers of brit Gangsta’ film ‘Dead Man Running’ starring none other than Fiddy Cent and one time football hooligan actor Danny Dyer. The premise is simple; ex-con, loan shark, 24 hours, etc etc..  So what prompted Rio and Cashley to offer their support to this film? The glitz, the glamour, maybe it was Mel Brookes “I wanna be a producer... 'Cause it's everything I'm not” Who knows, but maybe it will start a trend and before we know it they’ll all be jumping in on the act. They can’t play football forever and Rio just turned 30, he might not even be about for the World Cup, this gives him something to fall back on, as opposed to regular post professional football jobs, landlord and publican or maybe he’ll stick to what he’s good at; rapping, record producing and merking his England teammates.

This summer Premier League clubs spent around £500m on new players, a level far in excess of other European countries. Paul Rawnsley, Director of Deloitte announced “English football clubs are proving resilient to the current challenging economic environment.  Whilst football is not recession-proof, it is recession-resistant.”

Each of Aston Villa, Liverpool, Manchester City, Manchester United, Sunderland and Tottenham Hotspur has reportedly spent more than £30m on player acquisitions in the summer transfer window. In some cases, the two Manchester clubs this is on one player alone.  City’s acquisition of Robinho for a reported £32.5m was a British record transfer fee and the £30.75m United spent on Berbatov was also above the previous highest British transfer fee.

Alex Byars, a senior Consultant at Deloitte, said: “The levels of spending again demonstrate the strength of the top level of English football and some of the financial benefits that are passed on to overseas clubs and Football League clubs through the player transfer system.  Nonetheless, over the next couple of years there will be a continuing challenge to ensure that the clubs’ overall level of spending – on both transfer fees and player wages - is maintained at sustainable levels.”

So what of these players, three months into the premier league season we assess how some have taken to their new surroundings.

Samir Nasri (Olympique Marseilles - Arsenal) £12.7m
Total cost per game £1.8m Total cost per goal £4.23

After a few months of chasing, Arsene Wenger finally got his man. Likened to Robert Pires (not because he is French) but because he is a quick and technically outstanding player with mobility and vision, he’ll also probably score against Spurs. Nasri picked up an injury early in the season which has limited his first team opportunities, however three goals in seven games is a great turnaround and Wenger looks as though he has uncovered another talented prospect.

The Future? Nasri has some big boots to fill as Arsenal have never really found a replacement for Pires. If he can continue his goalscoring he will be a welcome addition to Wenger’s young squad.

James Milner (Newcastle Utd - Aston Villa) £12million
Total cost per game £2m Total cost per goal £N/A

Milner became the youngest ever Premier League goalscorer when he scored for Leeds aged just 16. He joined Newcastle in the summer of 2004 and acrimoniously left them at the start of this season, putting himself in the transfer window due to ongoing troubles at Newcastle. Martin O’Neil snapped him up for Villa and he is just breaking into their team.

The Future? He is yet to really fulfil the potential he had whilst a youngster at Leeds, but with O’Neil leading the way he should progress to be a top quality England player.

Paul Robinson (Tottenham Hotspur - Blackburn Rovers) £3.5million

Since his unfortunate error for England against Croatia in 2006 Robinson’s confidence has decreased rapidly and last season he lost his place in between the sticks at Spurs, numerous errors soon saw his England place also slip through his hands. Robinson was deemed surplus to requirements and the arrival of Heurellho Gomes at Spurs saw him move back North to Blackburn.

The Future? Robinson is still only 29 and has had a bad few years. If he can regain the form that saw him first burst onto the scene then there is no reason why he shouldn’t regain his England number one jersey.

Deco (FC Barcelona - Chelsea) £8million
Total cost per game £1.6m Total cost per goal £4

Deco is one of the finest midfielders in the World and was the first signing by Luis Felipe Scolari for a bargain £8m. Injury has meant he missed a chunk of the season, but he settled in immediately at Chelsea, scoring and creating. Alongside Lampard, Cole and Ballack Chelsea have a formidable midfield and it shows with their position in the league.

The Future? Premier League winner’s medal and quite possibly more. Chelsea are the team to beat

Geovanni (Man City - Hull City) Free Transfer
Games 6 Goals 3

The Brazilian is already a cult figure at Hull after scoring winning goals against Spurs and Arsenal. He is a great team player and has helped elevate Hull City into a Champions League spot.  Hull City were still in the Old Division 4 in 2004 and the past four years have been an unbelievable success. 

The Future? If Gio can keep scoring then Hull will keep winning, they have a great team spirit and some good strong players, they must set their target at 40 points and anything more should be looked upon as a bonus.

Robbie Keane (Tottenham Hotspur - Liverpool) £19million
Total cost per game £2.375m Total cost per goal £9.5

Spurs fans were sad to see Keane go in the summer. He was a leader and a fighter, something they lack massively this season. His move to Liverpool was “a dream come true.” However with Benitez insisting on playing him, like Dirk Kuyt, out wide he is less prolific than when he was at Spurs. Keane should settle in well and the quality players around him can only help him progress.

The Future? With talk of Emile Heskey joining Liverpool, Keane is not guaranteed a starting place, he’ll have to fight and accept that he may only play 25 games this season.

Robinho (Real Madrid - Man City) £32.5million
Total cost per game £6.5m Total cost per goal £16.25

The fact City signed Robinho shocked just about everybody in football. Not just that but it was an outright payment of £32.5m, a British transfer record. There is no doubting his class and he has already showed glimmers of why the Abu Dhabi group paid so much for him. If City sign the players they are threatening to in January then they will be a tough opposition.

The Future? City will eventually buy the title, just like Chelsea did, the fans won’t mind, Robinho will soon have the Ronaldos, Kakas and more joining the blue party – perhaps they will get bored and move on, but for now we should worry about the impact big money is having on the beautiful game.

Dimitar Berbatov (Tottenham Hotspur - Man Utd) £30.75million
Total cost per game £4.39 Total cost per goal £6.15m

There is no doubting the class of Berbatov, but his petulance has caused no amount of uproar throughout North London. The will he, won’t he saga that lasted for about 6 months shook up Spurs and he is now finding his feet at United. Five goals in seven games is typical Berbatov, he is providing a foil for Rooney to hit the ‘best form of his life’ and will only get better as he settles.

The Future? A proven goalscorer, Berbatov will score 30 goals this season, with Rooney and Ronaldo creating chances he could do it with his eyes closed.

David Bentley (Blackburn Rovers - Tottenham Hotspur) £15m
Total cost per game £1.875 Total cost per goal £N/A

Yet to reproduce the Match of the Day form he showed for the last few seasons at Blackburn, Bentley was dropped completely from the squad to face Udinese this week. His outbursts in the media show he has a passion for a club in disarray, but it has not gone down well with the management.

The Future? Who knows what the future holds for Spurs. Bentley however has proven quality and should settle in soon. Once he finds his feet he will regain his England place and start producing the kind of form that led Tottenham to spend the big bucks on him.

Amr Zaki (Zamalek - Wigan Athletic) Season Long Loan
8 Goals in 7 games

Not the Pakistani guitarist but the Egyptian footballer, Steve Bruce has come out this week claiming he was foolish not to sign Zaki on a permanent deal. Wth Zaki scoring almost a goal a game, I’ll second that. His form should see Wigan stay up easily this season and Bruce can be chuffed to have found the player of the season so far.

The Future? On this form one of the big boys will come in for Zaki and his price will certainly be more than it would have been four months ago. Hopefully he’ll continue this form and prove to be a great addition to the Premier league.