i was walking home from my late night swimming lesson and the moon was super full and there were no clouds either.

all of a sudden i heard a hoooooowl but it was just a dog stuck indoors that really wanted to go for a walk.

while i was looking at my watch to check the time i was pounced upon by something so fierce i swear i almost cried but i plugged up my tear ducts just in case any of my infinity best friends saw me crying and then they'd laugh at me.

i turned around and oh no!!! it was a werewolf all on me.

he started trying to bite my face and i was like "no man get off me" and "pleeeeaaase"

but i soon realised that you cannot reason with a werewolf and he sunk his super sharp razor edged teeth in to my soft, chewy flesh and there was blood everywhere and i couldn't see but i'm pretty sure my eyes went totally blood shot and i maybe even was able to get blood tears out of my eyes but i doubt it, i'm way hardcore.

anyway the werewolf basically gave me wolf cancer and then just as swiftly as he had arrived the wolf was gone.

but i was still totally screwed because i'd been bit up so bad by the werewolf.

i had a couple of fingers missing and i was all cut up on my legs and my shirt had been ripped open from his way sharp claws but luckily i'd been working out so you could totally see my bleeding abs. 

also i could swear a bit of my intestine was sticking out. i couldn't tell if it was large or small intestine because i'm not a doctor.

i tried to call an ambulance but the wolf had totally destroyed my phone in the attack he did on me.

so i started to walk home but i had to stumble because my legs hurt so bad.

as i got to near my road i felt a freezing cold chill breeze by me. i stopped walking and looked all around me.

a bat cam swooping down at me but i ducked and he missed but i made myself hurt from the sudden jerky movement i did and probably 100% hurt me somewhere on my body.

so... i have to go now but i'll finish my real true life story another time

to be continued...

01/09/2009

...continued

so i think i'm on the floor now.

i can't remember...

whatever.

i'll guess that i'm hiding behind a tree that has a cute family of squirels living in it.

and for a minute i lose myself and forget that i've got to get home quickly because of the trauma crap i've had to my body from the werewolf attack.

and also that a bat just tried to claw my face out.

and i lose myself by taking out a bag of assorted nuts from my pocket and start feeding them to the family of squirels

and i'm like "here mr squirel, here you go mrs squirel and here baby squirel and here is a peanut older sister squirel."

but then older sister squirel is really pissed off cause she wanted a cashew nut and so she scratches me in the nose and i fall backwards in agony.

as i get back to my feet i am so darn angry i start yelling at older sister squirel "you god damn squirel" and "why don't you go practice your trumpet? is it because your arms are too small to reach the button things? why do you even have a trumpet?" and "shut up!"

then mr bat comes back and turns into a vampire and i'm like "oh bag" which is code for "oh crap"

then he's all like "these squirels are my friends. stop being a big meany to them."

and i'm like "sorry guy, guess i'll be on my way now."

and then he goes "not so fast sonny... you need to be taught a lesson..."

so i don't even wait to see what the lesson is because i hate school right...

anyway i turn around and run away.

but after only like 14 of whatever the equivalent of a step is in running terms i feel a tweak in my hamstring and i totally fall to the faloor in agony.

mr vampire slowly walks towards me and i'm scrambling away as fast as i can but he's totally right next to me.

so i give in.

"do your worst slime-ball!" i shout at vampire.

"oh i will" he replies.

"oh weasel" i say which is code for "oh whore"

mr vampire leans down and picks me up way too easily for a skinny dead guy and then just doesn't even treat me good he just dives straight in and pretty much tears my whole neck off.

i'm wailing and crying and shouting and screaming and howling and then it's over.

he drops me to the floor and then he just disappears into thin air.

doesn't even say goodbye. [some girls out there should know how i felt. maybe some boys too but in films it's always guys who try to disappear in the morning. and my brother tried to get out once but didn't know the way home so he had to ask for a lift off the girl. that was funny... probably. not for him. maybe he'll laugh at it in a few years.]

so now i'm 100 thousand percent screwed.

my ribs are broke.

my neck is shredded.

my hamstring is torn.

my nose is scratched.

and i have a way bad headache.

but i know if i want to survive i know i have to keep going.

my house is only 100 yards away but i'm crawling and the road has just been relaid so it's still sticky and really hot tar stuff so i'm burnign myself too.

wheere are all the people and cars?

not a single person has passed me in pretty much decades.

but wait... what's this? in the distance....?

there's people

[i pretty much gave away that they're not really people in the title of this thing so don't expect any surprises]

"i'm saved!" i cry.

 "uuuurrrrggghhh..." the people cry back.

(wha... ) i think to myself.

 then the people are close enough now for me to see....

ZOMBIIIIIIIEEEESSSS!!!!!

"oooooh noooo!!!!" i shout.

and i start to shuffle the other way.

but what's this..? i've been lying dormant on the recently laid tarmac for so long that i have become stuck.

"oh no!" i cry again but shorter this time because i don't have time to drag it out.

goddamnit.

i have to get out of my clothes.

i start to rip my t-shirt off my back which is really easy because most of my tees already have tons of holes in them.

so that was easy but now the zombs are only 10 meters away.

crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap.

jeans get off me.

i flick my shoes off and start to wriggle out of my jeans.

"i don't mind being a were-vamp but i sure aint gonna be a were-vamp-bie" i shout at the good for nothing horde.

i get out of my jeans without a second to spare and i start to hobble away from the horde at about half a second faster than the zombies are moving.

thank crap for that i say to myself as i stumble down the street. 

as i get nearer the bottom i see headlights flash round the corner.

it's the army!!!!

"i'm saaaaaaaaavvved!" i cry.

i put my hands up as far as i can and start to move a little faster away from the zombies and towards the army trucks

"i neeeeeeed heeeeeeelllllp" i mumble.

the soldiers get out of the van and one of them runs up to me.

"bluurugh" i cry in pain.

i'm saved i think to myself.

but then something so darstardly happens that you can't even imagine.

the soldier points his gun at me!!!

what?! i think in my head.

and then kablammo1!!!!!1

the soldier is shot in the head.

"what just happened?!" i shout for some reason able to talk in a real voice now that i'm out ofdanger sort of.

kate beckinsale from underworld is there with a gun and she's like "that guy is my BFFL, stay away from him."

and i'm like "what?" 

 and then she's like "i totally dig vampire werewolf hybrids. didn't you see underworld?"

and i say "heck yes i saw underworld, i loved it too. i even saw underworld 2... underworld: evolution i think it was called."

"that's exactly what it was called." she replies.

"oh man i am so excited by our friendship right now" i tell kate beckinsale from underworld and underworl evolution.

"me too" she says.

and then we run away and the soldiers do battle with the zombies and the zombies win and then they take over the world except for me and kate beckinsale who live forever together in a deserted pizza hut.

we live off the garlic butter spray the pizza makers try to hide from you but cant help but show it off because of how disgusting it is and that it doesn't even stop you eating the pizzas that are 100% sprayed with it.

END.