Here's The Other Side’s Off Side’s latest attempt at name-based humour (with tragic consequences). It’s important for any footballer to secure himself a decent job once they retire from the game – after all, there’s only so many punditry slots available and Robbie Fowler bought all the houses. Fully expecting our P45s as a result of this, here’s our alternative jobs/occupations XI...

GK - Pepe Dog TReina

RB - Moritz Dancer Volz

LB - Matthew Tailor

CB - Ricardo Car-Valet-O

CB - Anthony Gardener

RM - Gavin McCannic

LM - Stelios Giannokop-lost property officer

CM - Nigel Courier-Coker

CM - Michael Hairdressien

CF - Gabriel Agbonla-whore

CF - Emile HeSki-instructor

On the bench:

Jussi Jaaske-Linesman, Amdy Fayerman, Cesc Fabregasman, Andriy Chefchenko, Ivan Campodium Dancer, Shola AmeoBeekeeper and Tal Binman Haim

Chairman - Freddy Shepherd

Manager - Paul Jeweller

Assistant Manager - "Bobby" Robson

GK Coach - Gordon Banks Manager

Home matches played in front of The Cop, with punditry from Alan Sheep Shearer.

Thanks to PKid and Gav for this XI .Think you can do better than this (well, it’s not hard) and got an XI of your own? Then stick it on the forum. The best entry will be published in the magazine and the winner will receive free tickets to an Underhill Engineering Plymouth and West Devon Combination Intermediate Division match of their choice.

Can’t buy me love…

In the good old days, if you wanted to buy a football club then all you needed was a sharp suit, a winning smile and a small oil-based fortune. Failing this, fabulous wealth amassed from dealings as crooked as your smile and a few human rights violations (allegedly) would do just fine. But this is 2008, and if you don't have the backing of an entire country you'd best leave your cheque book in the drawer.

read on....