Festival Fashion – the good, the bad and the ugly 
 

Forget toning up for beach bodies – you want to start thinking about festival legs.   There are far too many attractive legs at festivals; it’s like a gigantic pit of octopuses and if your pins aren’t up to scratch – you may as well ebay your tickets now.  Kate Moss, that old gal started off the stressful trend of tiny hot pants with wellies, which has since, frankly, spiralled out of control.  There’s not one modest woman on the field.   

So you arrive on site with all the gear and no idea, hair with just the right about of wave, fresh faced and donning your most ‘rock’ band t-shirt and those dreaded hot pants.  Day one yes, is a joy, but what about Day three? Day four? when you’re about to crack…an egg on your head of grease.  Fear not, for amidst the mud, sweat and tears, there are methods of damage control.  Your tent is your refuge.  A home from home.  Those zipped flaps are your very own Stars in Their Eyes puff of smoke from which you emerge transformed.  You can do the “festival” thing and not care what you look like bla bla bla, or you can be strategic and realise that evidence will be posted all over facebook, irrevocable records that will come back to haunt you.  Here are some tips from head to toe on keeping up the festival chic and avoiding the fashion faux pas.   

To hat or not to hat is the question that plagues the fashionista’s existence, because although they look great in the shop, the only people who can, in actuality pull them off without the circus connotation, are Keira Knightly and Sienna Miller.  Festivals however, present the delightful opportunity to wear hats without looking like an absolute try hard.  Festivals are a poor man’s Ascot and the possibilities are endless - straw, bowler, trilby, visor, ironic rude boy cap for the boys.  Daisy chains, flowers and plaits around the head are another festival privilege; outside the field you’d be a weirdo who probably worships Stone Henge, but inside is hippy heaven where daisies, daffodils, heck, weeds if they tickle your fancy, are all glorified and appreciated forms of headdress. 

If I could offer you one piece of advice for the future, cordless hair straighteners would be it. It’s about premeditated messy hair, not actual messy hair.  The difference is colossal.  I would go so far as to compare it to the difference between Bush and Obama.  Because it’s all very well embracing festival nonchalance if you have naturally gorgeous hair that only gets more gorgeous in the rain and mud, but for most of us who turn into either drowned rats or Diana Ross – they are an essential.  

The sunglasses debate is really a two horse race; wayfarers or aviators.  Not particularly original but if you can think of an alternative, like wearing your nan’s light sensitive specs, feel free.  Festivals are one of the few places left on the earth where nu rave is still acceptable so neon variants of wayfarers and aviators are rife.  A big trend this year will inevitably be geek chic plastic glasses, a useful prop to conceal your filthy mug.  Beneath Clark Kent’s geek chic glasses is Superman, beneath yours will be Superminger, but no one would ever suspect.   

Now down to the nitty gritty…Waterproofs are a necessary evil, but a stylish alternative is a Barbour jacket, with the sleeves rolled up a notch.  Denim is none too practical, but when the sun is shining, a denim jacket or waistcoast over bold print or floral dresses are on the right side of the 1990s.  Old school band t-shirts are only allowed if you’ve at least heard of the band you’re promoting on your bosom.  If you’re really tuned in to trend, show a bit of midriff if you can stomach it, with high-waisted denim shorts and a Spice Girls crop top, the kind you used to get at Tammy Girl when you were 12.  Tartan shirts, hoodies pulled up, scarves and nautical mini dresses are good staples.  Accessorise with lots of bracelets and weird rings that may or may not be capable of magic.  If you’re unsure on how to put it all together, take a look at Alexa Chung’s festival ensembles; she may be a demi god who’d look good in a bin bag, but the girl’s got style – steal it shamelessly. You may end up looking so hot that you fall in love with your reflection in a mud puddle.   

If you buy one festival specific thing this year – for god’s sake make it a bun bag.  The question is not, ‘why on earth would I buy a bun bag?’  The question is why wouldn’t you?  It’s practical, it’s unstealable, it’s got compartments, it sits around your waist like a loyal friend and it’s about the only retro thing that hasn’t already been done to death.  Mark my words; bun bags will reign again. To complete the look, rock out your dad’s Addidas shell suit jacket, stripes a plenty.  Just be aware around campfires.  And don’t team this look with short shorts or hi-tops and socks– or I’ll call 118 on you.  

Bring some good solid undies.  None of this silky, sexy malarkey; real nana pants in case you wee a bit when Kings of Leon come on.  At any event, big white pants are a good grounder, you can rely on them, you both know where you stand.   

If your wellies are a bit roomy, wack on some knee high socks underneath. Slightly oversized wellies are also quite useful for smuggling alcohol.  Word of advice though, don’t go mental on the wellies, flower or heart printed ones ain’t impressin’ no one.  Act your age in decent bottle green, black, grey or brown. Florescent face paint on the other hand, is a great way to relive your youth and recognise your clan by their markings in the darkness, while conveniently disguising the greasy mess that lies beneath.  Slightly more edgy footwear are Dr Martens; they’ll look their best with the floral dress, bare legs and denim jacket. 

The boys are always scruffy, dirty and a bit smelly, but that’s their charm, they can pull it off - all they need is a bullet Lynx.  They will not show you the same mercy.  Yes festivals are all about looking like you don’t give a damn, it’s all about living in the in the moment, giving yourself on an epic journey through the bottomless pit of musical creation.  All I’m saying is, enjoy that journey all the more with decent hair and flattering attire.  It might all be a lilac acid induced haze, you might not have the foggiest memory of what you looked like…but facebook will.