Ahead of his triumphant non-appearance in Morgan Spurlock’s latest doc Where in the World is Osama bin Laden, due out this month, DAN MURDOCH went to Pakistan to meet the Al-Qaeda leader.

SOMEWHERE a day’s drive from the rough Pakistan-Afghan border territory of Waziristan the blindfold is removed and I'm surprised to be greeted by Max Clifford.

“Ello Dan, sorry about all this secrecy, you know how it is,” he holds out a hand.

“That’s right, I'm bin Laden’s press officer. He wanted the best in the world, I wanted a challenge,” Clifford shrugs, “don’t get much more of a challenge. And the money’s good,” he winks.

I'm shown to a concealed opening in the cliff face and led through a low tunnel.  The walls are lined with photographs- bin Laden with Gerry Adams, Dick Cheney, Peter Mandelson, George Soros, Gaddafi, the Pope.

“You like my collection?” the voice is clear but slightly clipped, like Apu from The Simpsons.

“Mr bin Laden?”

“Please, Daniel, call me OB, all my friends do. As you can see, I have many friends.”

The photographs go on, OB with Berlusconi, Karzai, Hilary Clinton, Jeremy Kyle…is that Jordan?

He laughs, “Yes, yes, I had a few great nights with Kate in Brighton. Such an intelligent woman. Come sit, can I get you a drink? I'm on the red, but you might like a cold lager after your journey?”

The cave is rough but decorated. I perch on a weary leather sofa. On a side table sits a week old Guardian and a Vote Ken flier. OB returns with a bottle of Murree and cuts to the chase.

“You are here because I want to talk about 9/11.”

“Ok great,” I lean forward and open my notebook.

“It wasn’t me.”

“What?”

“9/11. It wasn’t me. Anyone with a vague sense of curiosity can work out that it couldn’t have been me. You think I organised the most deadly attack on American soil since Peal Harbour?” he pauses, “from a cave?”

OB waves his arms at the gloomy walls, plastered with faded posters from Arsenal’s double wining ‘98 season, overlapped by prints of Mecca.

But the Americans released a video showing you claiming responsibility.

“Ha,” OB throws a sarcy laugh, “the fat man in the video? He didn’t even look like me. Just a bearded Arab in a white turban and you’re all fooled. Flying two planes into New York skyscrapers? This is a difficult job. But even the architects say the buildings would not collapse in this situation. They were brought down by explosives. How did they get in there? Why doesn’t the government acknowledge it? And what about Building Seven? Everybody knows that was a controlled explosion, no plane even hit the building. But the 9/11 Report didn’t even mention it. Put it into Google- ‘9/11 Building 7.’ All the answers are there.

“And don’t get me started on the Pentagon, that was clearly a missile, why wont they release the CCTV footage? Where was the wreckage from the plane? They said it was all incinerated! Two steel and aluminium thee-ton Rolls Royce jet engines incinerated to nothing? You couldn’t do that if you wanted.”

He sits back and sips his Château Pétrus.

“My mistake was not denying this sooner. I admit- I enjoyed the notoriety, but now the joke has gone too far. We should put an end to it Mr Daniel- you, me and The Other Side.”

So who was responsible?

“How the hell should I know? I'm stuck in this bloody cave. I am no conspiracy nut, Allah knows they do my head in, but I’ve been going to Terrorist Anonymous meetings for about a year now, all the big guys are there and they all agree- only someone with many links to the Americans could have done this. And I watch Murder She Wrote, just like everybody else. You have to ask yourself who benefited from this? The arms industry? The Zionists? Maybe the big American corporations thought they would too? I don’t know, take your pick. But as you can tell- I am a loser in this game.”

OB gestures at the grubby glass he is sipping from, shakes his head and sighs: “How they used 9/11 to invade Iraq I do not know. It amazes me.”

His mobile rings and he squints at it, “Bloody Hell. Will I ever get you off my back? Bloody Musharraf isn’t it? Always hassling me, says it’s my fault he’s deep in the shit - pah. Sack half the judiciary, assassinate your rivals, cosy up to the Yanks AND the Taliban, pfff, he made his own problems.

“Now Blair- nothing stick to him hey? That smile, he’s a good man, a reformer. This Brown is boring, but every country needs its technocrats.”

What about Bush?

OB suddenly becomes very serious and lowers his voice.

“Bush is a fool.”

Ok. So why did you contact The Other Side?

“Like you, I too am bored with celebrity culture. Always in the newspaper I am hearing about Cheryl and that cunt Cashley, I'm sick of it. It’s good to see a community rallying together, I admire your spirit. And besides, I have a close affinity with the people of the Northern Line. Many times I have travelled on it to watch my beloved Arsenal. I try to get to the Emirates as often as possible, although it is difficult.”

Because of your notoriety?

He looks hurt: “No you fool, because it is difficult to get tickets. Always sold out.

“Now get out of here, Skins is on in five minutes and I want to make a chillum.”

mrdanmurdoch@gmail.com

Images by archburger: http://www.archburger.blogspot.com/