“Me want London, me get London…Omm nom nom nom”

“Oh…my….gawd” was the Lib Dem leader Brian Paddick’s reaction to Boris being elected Mayor. Well, here at The Other Side we’ve gotten over the initial fear factor and have replaced it with cookies...

In 1983 Atari developed a game called Cookie Monster Munch, the idea was to guide Cookie Monster through a simple maze collecting cookies and dropping them into a jar at the bottom of the maze. The game never ends and the gamer has to repeat the challenge over and over. We thought this was a little similar to a BJ-run London.

Problem 1: Crime on the buses – Police run around London buses picking up petty crooks and placing them in a big jar outside City Hall. The game never ends because there is no end of stupid kids in London copying whatever they see on the TV.

Answer: Replace all TV with a grinning Boris testcard and on Saturdays as a nice treat reruns of Valerie Singleton era Blue Peter

Problem 2: C02 – Chelsea Tractors tear through London picking up lamps from Harvey Nics and perfumes from Harrords dropping them off in their huge apartments in Chelsea Harbour. The game never ends because there will always be Cashley Cole funded WAGs who don’t give a shit about the environment.

Answer: £25 Congestion Charge for high omission vehicles. (Researcher leans over and whispers in writer’s ear “That was Ken’s idea” writer hesitates, pulls out 4x4 key and heads for Heals screams in researchers ear “need new table”)

Problem 3: Bicycles – Every day Boris cycles to work being followed by plebs from the Standard filming him making various cycling misdemeanours (too close to the bus/no helmet/drinking a glass of chardonnay while cycling etc) and dropping them into page three of their newspapers. The game never ends because these people have nothing better to do with their lives

Answer: Cycling Proficiency tests all round/hijack the ES and replace it with something far more informative as to what is actually going on in the world, say strips from the Beano/Follow John Prescott’s lead and be met with a big car everyday – wherever you go.

illustration by Matt Littler

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