What becomes of the broken hearted?

Things to do for the disappointed UK footy fan during Euro 2008

Hurrah! It’s an even numbered calendar year and that can only mean one thing – a major international football tournament is taking place. Ah, those heady summer evenings crammed into sweaty, booze-sodden pubs trying to balance a pint in one hand whilst you use the other to lift yourself high enough to see over an enormous Cross of St George which just that afternoon had been a perfectly serviceable fitted sheet in order to catch the tiniest glimpse of the “big screen” that is being projected onto a sunny window by a machine with a lamp only marginally more powerful than a mini-maglight on which an under-prepared, tactically naïve but nonetheless brave-hearted England team are currently doing their utmost to protect a 1-1 scoreline that will, in the end, lead to them fail gloriously but abysmally in yet another penalty shoot out. Happy days…

But wait, thanks to the right boot of Mladen Petric (and the right cock-up of Steve McLaren) England aren’t actually playing in Euro 2008, and neither are Scotland, Northern Ireland or Wales (obviously). So the question is, what on earth does the dedicated UK footy fan actually do whilst 15 better-than-the-home-nations-with-the-possible-exception-of-Austria football teams fight it out for the honour of losing 1-0 to Greece in the final? Well, we at the Other Side’s Off Side like to think of ourselves as helpful sorts, so here’s a few suggestions:

Go on holiday…

Like the footballers of the home nations, your summer is now your own. Who needs an Oyster card when the whole world is your oyster? You could take a trip down Hollywood Boulevard with David Beckham, relax on the beaches of Barcelona with Frank Lampard or cruise for skirt in Tenerife with Jermaine Defoe. Austria or Switzerland are lovely at this time of the year, although with no English fans “sampling” the local beer and re-arranging the street furniture you may find your experience a little too authentic for your liking. 

Become a monk/nun/hermit…

Deny the fact that any kind of international football tournament is taking place. Take a vow of silence, dress in sackcloth and head off into the wilderness with just your dubious sanity for company. Go back to your roots, become one with nature and try to conjure up your spirit guide (you know, like you did that time at Glastonbury). You might find that removing yourself entirely from reality can be quite refreshing – just ask Jose Mourinho...

Watch an alternative international tournament…

Football? Meh. There’s a whole host of international contests out there for your delectation. Why not cheer on the competitors in the 2008 International Essay Contest for Young People? Or you could attend the inaugural Verona-Ghirada Team Sport Conference in Treviso. Perhaps the 7th Annual Open International Competition of Graphic Humour is more up your street (this year’s theme: The window – the eye of building). Or marvel at the rough and tumble world of International Slalom Skateboarding at the Cone-tucky Derby Outlaw Slalom Jam.

The Other Side’s Off Side was seriously considering a trip to the Mons AeroMusicals WAG selection contest, but our visions of international footballers bidding against each other as a gaggle of potential trophy wives paraded their "wares" in front of them were somewhat shattered by the discovery that "WAG" in this case stands for World Air Games.

Spend some quality time with your loved ones…

After spending the entire season shirking your responsibilities when it comes to shopping/baby changing/cooking/cleaning/social interaction in general, perhaps now’s the time to set the record straight. Take your nan out for lunch, attend your kid’s school concert, take that long-overdue trip to Brent Cross with your other half – you’d be amazed at how cathartic it feels without having to nip to the loo to check your radio, pretending to text whilst getting the scores on WAP or even lingering in the AV section on the off chance that one of the TVs has the teletext on. Make sure you build up as much goodwill as possible though, because come August it’ll all be out the window when Saturday comes.

Or if you just can’t help yourself...

So none of the home nations made it through, and you can’t even amuse yourself by watching the Republic of Ireland team fight each other on the touchlines. But hey, there’s still a tournament going on and it might be worth sitting down to take a look - you might even find out how 4-5-1 actually works.